2/1/13
Something’s going to happen on Sunday, something big. Two teams are facing off at the XLVII Super Bowl, but that’s not what I’m referring to. This Sunday you are going to disprove the stereotype that Americans are all XL and watch XL games with XL chips and XL beers sitting on XL chairs staring at XL TVs.
If you have any sense of patriotism, you’ll defy the world’s stereotype for our country and opt not to watch the Super Bowl (GASP!). This may come as a blasphemous statement to some of you but I have a hunch that others are tired of this game. While archetypical America gets to be represented by consumerism incarnate, everyone else has to endure an onslaught of ads, sacs, and touchbacks that they couldn’t care less about.
Here’s the secret, instead of going to that lame Bowl party your friend is throwing, go somewhere that is normally crowded. In California I always went surfing. Up here I’d go snowboarding. Instead of pretending you care that it’s the fourth down, you can get a glimpse of a yearly phenomenon. Anytown America experiences a several-hour miniature apocalypse. Streets are deserted save for a couple stray dogs fighting over the imaginary corpse of Manti’s girlfriend, it’s all very I Am Legend.
This is a great time to check off some stale bucket list items like streaking, or bombing a usually dangerous SF hill on your longboard. Perhaps you’re not a streaker or skater, just a golfer, methinks they’ll have room at the links. All the while, feel free to break wind my friend, nobody will be there to point fingers at your perfectly natural gas.
There is a risk that you will miss out on some top tier commercials, a bootylicious national anthem, and maybe even an exciting play or two. The anxiety of not being in the loop is daunting, I know. Don't worry, thanks to an invention called the Internet, your newsfeed will be spammed with this Super Bowl’s memorable moments regardless.
If you’re a bay area bandwagoner like me, you might feel obligated to watch for superstitious reasons. Fear not my fair-weather friend, God smiles on all the Bay’s sport teams, except the Warriors, He’s too busy smiting LA.
The time has come to answer the question, am I American enough to miss the Super Bowl?
If the above reasons weren't enough. Use him.